Ex-bfs

I have obsessed about failed relationships and what went wrong and "what if". I was in an emotionally abusive relationship that I kept going back and forth with him for 9 years. He would cheat & I would leave, then they would end and I was back for sex. We had an AWESOME sex life that I have never had with anyone before or since. We were a perfect match sexually, but man did he cheat and put me down in the real time.
We have both married now, we moved away from each other and now both have babies. I am happy for him, and finally he ended up with a girl I didn't know. I do believe that I would never be able to truly end things with him if we lived near each other. Now he may have finally grown up and would say no, but really I just want the good parts back. I have a terrible sex life now with my husband, and that is the last one I will have. Dang it. He is on my Facebook page as a friend for 2 reasons: 1 he plays the same games, 2 I can't let it go.
I dated my first long term relationship at start of college, got engaged, but he was an ASS to me and cheated terrible. He gave me STD from cheating, then played dumb about it, ran me thru the emotional angry rollercoaster. I finally decided I couldn't stay and called the wedding off 1 month before the day. He is now on my Facebook page and on his 3rd marriage and kids with a couple of them. I know that I really missed the bullet on this one, but still think "what if" when we chat.
I have a friendship with a handsome guy that I met on Yahoo about 7 years ago. I was the cougar and he was the hot young, muscular, smart guy. I wanted to stay with him for years. Sex was good, but I was intimidated by his looks, confidence, yet he never said or did anything to make me feel that way. We still stay in touch, but the way I left him was my choice, but a huge hard decision. He is a sex god kinda, and will do or try anything. We text each other and again we moved away from each other. I know I would cheat with him, bc sex is so bad now and he would Never Tell on me. He always has "side shows" and we flirt sexually thru text. He is awesome but just came around again after I was married. I think about two guys constantly and have them as friends so I can know their lives and who they know or what they do. It is a real problem, and I am sure bc my marriage is not what I hoped for or expected.

Dr Psych office

I was running low on meds and had missed my appointment. I changed my phone number and I don't remember things very well. That cost me $60. I called the office on a Wednesday for medicine and Karen asked me if I could come in that day. I had a terrible migraine and out of meds, so said no. No medication was called in. Then Thursday I make another appointment for the following Wed. She says she will call in meds and I am basically out.
Lamictol is a serious drug to not mess with, and here I get no meds called for the weekend and I'm out. No xanex like I'm supposed to take it, immediate stop on Lamictol, running low on Zoloft. I fill a different strength of Lamictol and alter the dose to get me by on Sunday. Xanex was just gone and I was involuntarily pissy the whole weekend. The quick drop in meds made me have no tolerance. I warned my husband in case I was snappy. Monday I call and the stupid phone person says, "Oh I will call you in enough to get you til Wed." Hell Mo Fo No she didn't. I went to appt on Wed with barely any meds, just Seroquel basically. I told the Dr and he apologized and said he would talk to them about it.
After my appointment I am not supposed to see him for 4 weeks. When I run out of meds I will call (yeah that sounds great) for more for my appt. I go to my counselor appt and I am having real serious panicky anxious feelings, which is different than my normal depression. At the desk I ask them to leave a message for my psych about my Xanex. I don't want to change it up without "permission" bc can't fill it too soon. I explain the main idea, and the damn girl says "Call the medicine line." I asked her if she wants me to leave, go home, call the office and tell them? So I made an appt to see him in person to complain AGAIN about them, and get my medicine fixed. The day before I decided I was too upset & called the office. Left a message saying forget the appt, I don't have the patience to deal with the office and I will just figure it out myself. WOW then the stupid "nurse" or whatever calls and says you can take an extra in am. Not what I frickin wanted, if you would have listened to me. I LOVE my psych and he has helped me more than any in the last 6 years. BUT I so hate the office and the women make my skin crawl. Every time I go in I have to pay. No waiting for the bill to come or paying the actual billing department/company. That annoys me bc I am so broke that I don't always have money every few days between appts.
Just felt like I needed to release my frustration and put it in print to get over it.

Upped my medicine

The psych upped my Zoloft from 100mg in am to 200mg in am. I am feeling light headed, pulled down by gravity, and overall off. Tired but not sleepy and I didn't want to do any of the fun things I could do today.

I'm so unmotivated it is on my beginning list at counselors. I started entering my family data on Ancestry.com last night. I could still lay in bed but accomplish something I really wanted to do. But my husband and dad lost the package that came from my dad's aunt that had that side of the family info.

I feel annoyed but no real reason. I was off the Lamictol for several days in a row and now I see that I was affected by being off those things. I will stay on Zoloft and hope that I get adjusted by next week.

Frustrated with office

I had quite a bit of problems with doctors since last Friday. Me first: I was running low on my meds and needed to make an appointment and pick up meds til then. I called Wed, Thurs and Mon and the nurse never did it. I take Lamictol and it is a serious drug that shouldn't be messed with. So I went without from Friday til Sunday and man was my mood crappy. I felt so irritated for no reason. I was like stirring inside to just yell at someone. On Sunday I filled a different strength from a different doctor just so I could have it. Monday was the day they said they would give me enough Xanex and Lamictol to get me to Wed appt. Yep never called that in. So I was off Xanex for days and I take 4 0.5 a day. That is a big loss. I nicely told my psychiatrist and he was going to check in on it for me and said it wouldn't happen again.

I told him that I was not so depressed and not thinking about dying, but not motivated to get up, take a shower or go out to lunch. I care for my baby, play with him and he loves to go out with my parents for errands. Otherwise I just watch TV and stay home. It saves money but does nothing for my fat problem. I am not exercising bc just don't feel like dressing and driving to gym, and walking seems boring and too much alone brain time when walking the neighborhood.

Then my child has chronic diarrhea for 6 weeks and I can't get anyone to help me and answer my questions. I finally went to ER on Wed just for a real opinion. Our pediatrician's nurse did all the "help" over the phone and said no Rx was available. Well, the ER gave him a Rx and it helped some in the first night. I am mad that I can't help my child bc I don't know who to go to. We are not from here, so guessing who is good is hard to do. We ate a IHOP on Thurs, and the waittress gave us 2 suggestions. Monday I will call and see how soon he can get in to them. I'm done with the other one.

FRUSTRATING Time right now.

Why not writing

I haven't been on here for a few reasons. First, my husband and I have to share a laptop with my dad since ours broke and we are BROKE! I have a Nook, but it won't let me post on Google blog. It is frustrating. Second, I have been reading books and watching shows on Hulu Plus bc I'm just not motivated to do much.

I wanted to go exercising bc I'm fat, BUT I just never get dressed and go. It is so hard to change my habits since I got such bad depression. I am doing so much better mentally, but not motivationally. I don't feel like writing about my past life right now, bc really it is so sad and I may be doing better. I will write again tho, so stay tuned. I did go to the psych and got my meds finalized, and found out my blood work came out fine, except some vitamin issues. We also went to marriage counseling but this time it wasn't very productive, but my marriage is so much better.

My baby has had diarrhea now almost a month and the doctor is stumped. It is gross and smelly to change him, but I feel bad for him. I am monitoring what he eats, using diaper cream, and he is in good spirits. If one week then we are seeing a gasterologist for more answers. He also has a terrible reaction to mosquito bites. The area swells a lot, lasts for about 3 days, so we have creams to apply. Dr said Deep Woods Off is ok for his young age.

I started taking care of elderly neighbor and I like it. He is nice, and eats what I give him. I realize how little his children did for him. A disgusting toothbrush, dirty old sheets, terrible condition pillows, and they had problems with him eating but I don't. They just didn't put stuff near him. I can't get him to change clothes tho. He is 94, his teeth, no medication, just hard of hearing. It gives me a reason to see someone outside the home. I do some things, but basically just play and care for my child and lay in bed. Maybe this summer I can get it together. My husband leaves me for summer with the Army.

I did it and cut 11 inches off

I thought about the hair cut for 4 days and decided to do it. I felt that was a reasonable amount of time to not do something manic. I was so nervous and almost nauseous while I wait the few minutes. It turned out good and I was the one that told her to keep cutting. Unfortunately, I feel more like a mom with short hair. I'm 40 and it seems most of us at this age and up go for shorter hair. But now the baby won't get all wrapped up in long gangly hair.

I'm happy. I am going to fix my bills, weight problem, marriage issues, raise my great baby, start my new part time job and it all starts with a drastic hair cut to get me motivated.

Teen relationship gone wrong

When I was in high school, I hung out with a tight group of guys. I was the only girl (sports car helped) and even tho they were all sluts, I was protected from all that. They never did drugs around me, and I was really clueless about things around me. I made great grades, they didn't, they got kicked out of their homes, I never did, etc...So when I started college I had not dated many people. After being gone a few months (dated a college guy part time) I realized that I really wanted to be with *J*. I came home for my bday and we made it official.

Now I knew up front he had been one of the sluts, BUT he convinced me that he would commit to our relationship even if I was in a different state. I had easy access to come home, and 1 day him and my best guy friend, skipped school and drove hours to come surprise me. He comes the drastic part.

I had said previously that I had decided to wait til marriage to have sex, but his pressure was tough. One day we were home alone, back in the home town and really I said no, but he "convinced" me to just give in. He had sex with me, and afterwards I was devastated. He went to take a shower and I went to the basement to call a friend crying over what just happened. It never got better than that. I never got to say no, bc he would take it anyway, but in a I love You kinda way, not forceful. I would talk to God thru the whole sex act about how sorry I was, but I wanted to keep him and this was the only way. Needless to say, the first year of sex for me was terrible, and never even had an orgasm or fun.

My Freshman year I was in the dorm, and some how he came to visit and I got crabs (really an STD?). He told me it came from his towel on the guy's bathroom. I told the Resident monitor bc I really believed him. Somehow getting cured was difficult bc it kept hanging around, but so did the side show slut he was fucking back home. Damn I was NAIVE. He never admitted to giving us the STD, but I drove home and flipped out when our best girl friend admitted to me he was seeing some Jenny on the side. I made him drive me to her home (I knew her and she knew us) and he said no. I said you do it or I will. I knocked on her door, confronted her about sleeping with him, and with tears in her eyes said no that was a lie. They both covered for each other. I blew it off bc I was so dumb.

By Sophomore year of college for me, he was in high school til 20. He skipped school all the time and so they wouldn't pass him in classes. This will be important later. On Valentine's Day he came to spend time at my apartment at college. I had finally fell in love with him, where sex was just part of our relationship and I enjoyed being together. Then God Got Me. We had sex those few days and then he left to go back home. Well I ended up pregnant and couldn't handle it. He said get an abortion, my parents always told me, "Whatever you do, don't get pregnant, it will ruin your life." My overly religious grandparents would freak out and he wouldn't help or even had money to pay child support. I decided to have an abortion against everything in my being. I think I was throwing up with the knowledge I had to do it, more than just being pregnant.

The appointment came back near home town and *J* didn't even go along. He had excuse that he couldn't miss anymore classes, but yet that never worried him before. My best guy friend knew the truth and went with me, to drive afterwards. I will discuss that actual abortion issues later. After I came home that day (8am-1pm for procedure and waiting), *J* was "so" sorry. I had to wait several weeks to heal before sex. Can you believe he tried encouraging me to do it early. He was a bastard but I thought I had to marry the person I had sex with. Now remember I am a sheltered, naive, book smart 19 yr old, so I felt trapped.

Now we are going on 3 years together, but secretly I hate him inside for the choice I had to make. While I'm at college, he joins the Navy with no discussion together. I felt betrayed again bc I thought we were a unit. He goes to Basic and I write him and he talks about how much he loves me and proposes to marry. I said yes, but my parents (not knowing the truth) said at 20 I was too young. I heard rumors of how many women he had on the side and I do believe he became faithful after Basic Training but WAY TOO LATE! A month before the wedding I backed out. I realized I could never trust him, I hated him, he made me ruin my life, he wasn't there for me except for his own benefit. He was devastated to hear this, and begged for us to get back together.

The final straw:
Admit all the women you had and we can forgive and move on. Nope claimed completely innocent
When he came in town I made him sleep in downstairs bedroom and no sex. In the middle of the night he snuck upstairs and came in my bedroom (next to parents room bc home on break) and he tries to have sex with me while sleeping. That was IT. You fucking bastard, I felt date raped throughout our whole relationship and finally Got a Clue! This relationship changed me forever and made me hate myself for a decade. I didn't even want children bc if I didn't have the first one then I don't deserve one later. I had abortion at 19 and I didn't get over it until about age 35. I knew God would forgive me, but didn't feel like him or anyone else ever should forgive me. My parents have never found out, and I think the guy probably moved on with life never thinking about the life we ended.

I have now heard he has 3 kids by 2 different women and on his 3rd marriage. Whew saved myself for that crap and realize he never would have changed. We are "friends" on Facebook, again bc I never hold a grudge and I have worked thru some of my issues. I now have a 2 yr old son, but my husband had to help me make this decision and support me. He knows the truth.

Irrational

I have been thinking of getting a crazy different haircut than my normal. I have always had long hair (between bra strap and butt), so thinking of short hair would be drastic. I put my hair in a ponytail most of the time bc long gets in the way and my child can accidentally pull it. Once you cut it, you can't go back. I do realize that this is probably an irrational bipolar thought.

I went once to get a trim, from butt up to just below my shoulders. That was the PLAN, and told it to new hairdresser. WELL, she got scissor crazy and cut it to the bottom of my neck. It was so short it would be held in a hairband. I flipped out. Crying, hysterical, what now? so I drove to the mall, and bought a fake ponytail immediately in my own hair color and wore it daily for a long time until my hair could recoup. That has made me scared to ever cut it again. Not only short, but dyed weird and ugly cut. On a good note, for my wedding I wore the ponytail and it was beautiful with my hair flower comb. The wig section is beautiful and at least made the tears stop.

Torn mostly because how do you find a hairdresser to trust? Not like I can ask a celebrity in my smaller town and pay hundreds of dollars to look like a star. I don't know the real talent to the person with scissors. I need to wait a week and see if I still feel this way.

Let's start with relationships

I had a little guy who walked me down the hall in 1st grade because my mom taught 4th and he would stop by her room and escort me to our classroom down the hallway, aww cute. Then I actually "dated" the same guy (which meant meeting at the roller rink every other Sat night) from 5th grade to 9th grade. Then things went terribly bad and just got worse. This girl who was supposedly my best friend in 9th grade, actually just wanted my bf. I found out that she was sneaking behind my back and sent rumors about me around. I never had sex, bc I always thought I would wait til marriage. Things got UGLY and threatening and made my Freshman year very depressing. I was sneaking wine coolers after school, thinking that my dad was always happy drunk, but drinking one doesn't do it, and didn't want them noticing. I was on the basketball team Freshman year, made great grades, but hated every day at school, and felt like I had no friends. She turned them all against me.

By Senior year, they were still together and I was on revenge. I will tell you I made her last year miserable and felt good about it. He had said (supposedly) such terrible things about me. I ignored him, even altered things online as I got older so he couldn't find me. One time he did email me, and I blocked him for fear of what he would say. Finally a few years ago, he wrote me on Facebook apologizing for all of it. We are now in our late 30's, and he says he always felt bad about what went down. WEIRD, but you will learn thru my posts that I never hold a grudge (except this cheating bitch from high school). I talked to his wife (not her of course) and really like her. I now have them on my Facebook page, chat with them, and feel such relief over things coming to peace even 20 years later. By the way, his wife hates this other girl too, so we can bash her together.

This is the part where I started to be so depressed that crying just happened any time I was alone. I kept it from my parents, put all of myself in my classes. I took Spanish, French and German from 6th grade to 12th grade, and continued Spanish and French in college. My next post will be about my worst relationship that scarred me for life, and had me do things I never imagined. But yep, I have forgave him and he is on my Facebook page. Check back tomorrow for the story.

Am I "cured"?

I have been upped on all my meds since deep depression was for quite a long time starting at the new year. I have a new psych and I like him. He takes me serious, knows what he is talking about, and you are in and out in like 15 min (but probably charged for an hour).

He tried Abilify and sent me into mania, so then he had to fix that. Now I realize I haven't thought about suicide in at least a month, I don't stay in bed as often, more motivated and less Xanax needed. I never get my hopes up about treatment bc it usually stops and changes within 6 months. I am going to lower one med back to previous dosing. What if it sets me back, yet it makes me so tired til noon bc of side effects.

I guess I will just enjoy my time for as long as it lasts. Have you had up and down thru your disease? Mine can change in a week or two last a few days and on to some other emotion. Been this way for so many years that it is frustrating.

My view of electroshock therapy

While in the psych hospital, I saw a couple women go thru this procedure. They were really far gone with this suicide thing and kept attempting it. In my view, honestly, just let them die and end the suffering. Why is suicide against the law? It should be a personal choice, I own my own body. Anyway, back to treatment.

The women would leave in the morning and be gone for a bit. Then a nurse would escort them into our social room and seat them down at the table. She would have to be fed by the nurse and was out there somewhere. I was told that whatever I told her that day, she wouldn't remember the next day. They literally made her a temporary zombie. I know it doesn't hurt, and the basis behind how it works, but the results only last a couple of days and then they went back for more treatment. No way was I ever getting that done. The women seemed to be ok with the treatment and I guess they thought it worked.

When I got pregnant my husband and I went to my military psych (who was awesome but temporary bc of moving) and he said to hubby, that the only safe treatment for pregnant women is this electroshock therapy. It doesn't do anything to the fetus and if I became too suicidal he would need to make the decision for me. I begged him to never do it. Just check me in to a hospital and leave me til the baby is born. He agreed. Fortunately, my pregnancy went great as for my mental state (except for shitty husband at the time) and went until week 23 without any psych meds. I was also off meds for 6 months before getting pregnant. I learned tho that I will need meds for the rest of my life. What a personal disappointment for me.

Starting the psych experience

At 25 I knew I couldn't live hating life and wanting to die all the time. The first 2 or 3 psychs said I was depressed but the meds didn't work. Duh because I was bipolar and meds are different. 1 psych saw me every 2 weeks and either started a new drug or upped the dose on one of them. I was a medicine mess so dropped him after about 2 months.I liked the next psych but then after a year she closed her practice. Great...next. Then I skipped the psych for awhile and went to a counselor. At that one, I learned what EMDR is. We tried it for my PTSD from date rapes. It is a light bar with little lights that go across. The office lights are turned off and then you sit in complete silence. The counselor asks you to think of a bad thing and you stare at the lights for 5 min I think (forgot time limit). Well it didn't work at all. I really liked her, but then she had surgery and never came back to be my counselor. Great...next.

Then I found a clinic for sex abuse and women's issues. Men not allowed. The pay was based on your income level, which has always been low. The counselor would never focus on the rapes, men issues, fear of sex, etc. She was always worried about my suicidal issues and my mood. Ok lady I can handle that, especially if you fix these parts. I was unhappy seeing her, but I liked the groups they had. There were art workshops to express feelings, and just things to do and paper to fill out with a leader that all based on your emotions. I stayed for over a year and then ditched, bc the money I was paying was not worth it, bc my sex issues were not being dealt with.

I am not 30 yet, so just floating around to different places, but then just before my 30th bday, I had no psych for several months, my refills had run out and the calls I made said, "he isn't taking new patients." "We can get you in next month." Damn no help out there when desperate. So at 30 it was hospital check in. I was seriously considering driving down the highway that very late night and taking off seat belt, have my DNR license on the seat and crash at high speed. I had a relationship at the time, and he encouraged me to go to the hosp. I told my grandpa (who I was living with for assistance) that I was taking a trip to Boston with a friend. I eventually told my parents the truth from psych ward phone, and admitted myself. I got a room, took my shoes, but I could wear my own clothes bc not a real threat to cutting myself or over the top. This was on a Sunday. I didn't get to see a psych til Tues, so we all sit around, talk about our issues and color. I had my bf bring us markers and crayons to use. I learned what electro shock therapy is these days and still scary. On Tuesday, the Dr says here some meds and you can just go home. WHAT THE FUCK?? I was pissed, I had brought myself to check in for help and meds don't even get to work and I'm out. I was talking to people like me, having group therapy, away from the stresses of my life...please don't make me leave. So I got to stay til Wed afternoon and then out the door. I told myself I will never check myself in again.

Medication list

These are almost all the medications I have tried for depression, mania and bipolar after diagnosed. Abilify-mania
Remeron-mania
Depakote-severe weight gain
Lithium-hypothyroidism
Wellbutrin-tinnitus, shakes
Risperdal-only took for college concentration

Didn't work:
Zyprexa
Topamax
Paxil
Buspar
Cymbalta
Effexor
Neurontin
Lexapro

Ones that work:
Seroquel in large doses (600mg + per day)
Lamictol high doses (200mg + per day)
Xanex
Clonazepam (I choose not to take with my Xanex)
Zoloft (100mg per day)

Trying all these meds to find what doesn't work is stressful just in itself and very expensive. At one point I barely had insurance and Seroquel cost me $200 a month plus health insurance was $512 a month. I worked several part time jobs just to pay for my mental disorder, which drove me into further depression and debt.

What medications have you tried? Tell me if they work for you or not.

The start of my problems

I'm using this website to vent about my mental illness without sharing too much with people I know.
It started as early as 10 that I remember. I was so stressed and depressed that I ended up with ulcers. I was so sick, but the doctor didn't believe me. I have now struggled my whole life with those. I learned to cry quietly in my bed so my parents wouldn't hear me. Partly from feeling so sick, part scared of dark and just overall sad about life. At 17, I saw my first psychiatrist. I knew I was becoming suicidal, so I asked my ulcer doctor if he would tell my parents it was his idea that I go to counseling because of my long term illness. My parents agreed, but begrudgedly. They didn't think I needed it.

When the psych asked me how I would kill myself, I said overdose on pills and just die. So on my 3rd visit she prescribes medication (I have forgot which one by now) and said the following: "Now these can cause your heart to stop if you take too many, so give them to your parents and they can give you your dose each day." WELL, that was a stupid idea. Was she just testing me? Serious and clueless if I would just die? I can't figure out her strategy. BUT I went home my dad and said he needed to hold on to my pills. His answer: "Don't you know how to take them? Then just do it yourself". I flushed them down the toilet and never saw her again.

My next Bipolar help came around age 25. I went to see a counselor on my own, and got referred to a psych. Now let me tell you I have seen probably 25 different people since then and now 40. Mostly from problems with them, either medication pushers, closing business, no appointments available, or me moving around. Anyway, this is the most frustrating part. I will post the list of all the psych meds I have tried, but honestly Seroquel has been my best friend. I wanted to get my life started and then post each week about the next part of my life and what happens next. My broken relationships were a big part of my suicide obsession. I believe I have only been unsuicidal between 2008-and early 2009. It is tiring to always want to die but know that I won't do it. The punishment by God in my head is not worth ending this short life on Earth.

Future topics:
Just like diabetes?
Cheating/STDs
Abortion
Date Rape
9 yr emotional abusive relationship
admit psych hospital
Iraq war of spouse
Medications that don't work

1 Mania episode gone wrong