Teen relationship gone wrong

When I was in high school, I hung out with a tight group of guys. I was the only girl (sports car helped) and even tho they were all sluts, I was protected from all that. They never did drugs around me, and I was really clueless about things around me. I made great grades, they didn't, they got kicked out of their homes, I never did, etc...So when I started college I had not dated many people. After being gone a few months (dated a college guy part time) I realized that I really wanted to be with *J*. I came home for my bday and we made it official.

Now I knew up front he had been one of the sluts, BUT he convinced me that he would commit to our relationship even if I was in a different state. I had easy access to come home, and 1 day him and my best guy friend, skipped school and drove hours to come surprise me. He comes the drastic part.

I had said previously that I had decided to wait til marriage to have sex, but his pressure was tough. One day we were home alone, back in the home town and really I said no, but he "convinced" me to just give in. He had sex with me, and afterwards I was devastated. He went to take a shower and I went to the basement to call a friend crying over what just happened. It never got better than that. I never got to say no, bc he would take it anyway, but in a I love You kinda way, not forceful. I would talk to God thru the whole sex act about how sorry I was, but I wanted to keep him and this was the only way. Needless to say, the first year of sex for me was terrible, and never even had an orgasm or fun.

My Freshman year I was in the dorm, and some how he came to visit and I got crabs (really an STD?). He told me it came from his towel on the guy's bathroom. I told the Resident monitor bc I really believed him. Somehow getting cured was difficult bc it kept hanging around, but so did the side show slut he was fucking back home. Damn I was NAIVE. He never admitted to giving us the STD, but I drove home and flipped out when our best girl friend admitted to me he was seeing some Jenny on the side. I made him drive me to her home (I knew her and she knew us) and he said no. I said you do it or I will. I knocked on her door, confronted her about sleeping with him, and with tears in her eyes said no that was a lie. They both covered for each other. I blew it off bc I was so dumb.

By Sophomore year of college for me, he was in high school til 20. He skipped school all the time and so they wouldn't pass him in classes. This will be important later. On Valentine's Day he came to spend time at my apartment at college. I had finally fell in love with him, where sex was just part of our relationship and I enjoyed being together. Then God Got Me. We had sex those few days and then he left to go back home. Well I ended up pregnant and couldn't handle it. He said get an abortion, my parents always told me, "Whatever you do, don't get pregnant, it will ruin your life." My overly religious grandparents would freak out and he wouldn't help or even had money to pay child support. I decided to have an abortion against everything in my being. I think I was throwing up with the knowledge I had to do it, more than just being pregnant.

The appointment came back near home town and *J* didn't even go along. He had excuse that he couldn't miss anymore classes, but yet that never worried him before. My best guy friend knew the truth and went with me, to drive afterwards. I will discuss that actual abortion issues later. After I came home that day (8am-1pm for procedure and waiting), *J* was "so" sorry. I had to wait several weeks to heal before sex. Can you believe he tried encouraging me to do it early. He was a bastard but I thought I had to marry the person I had sex with. Now remember I am a sheltered, naive, book smart 19 yr old, so I felt trapped.

Now we are going on 3 years together, but secretly I hate him inside for the choice I had to make. While I'm at college, he joins the Navy with no discussion together. I felt betrayed again bc I thought we were a unit. He goes to Basic and I write him and he talks about how much he loves me and proposes to marry. I said yes, but my parents (not knowing the truth) said at 20 I was too young. I heard rumors of how many women he had on the side and I do believe he became faithful after Basic Training but WAY TOO LATE! A month before the wedding I backed out. I realized I could never trust him, I hated him, he made me ruin my life, he wasn't there for me except for his own benefit. He was devastated to hear this, and begged for us to get back together.

The final straw:
Admit all the women you had and we can forgive and move on. Nope claimed completely innocent
When he came in town I made him sleep in downstairs bedroom and no sex. In the middle of the night he snuck upstairs and came in my bedroom (next to parents room bc home on break) and he tries to have sex with me while sleeping. That was IT. You fucking bastard, I felt date raped throughout our whole relationship and finally Got a Clue! This relationship changed me forever and made me hate myself for a decade. I didn't even want children bc if I didn't have the first one then I don't deserve one later. I had abortion at 19 and I didn't get over it until about age 35. I knew God would forgive me, but didn't feel like him or anyone else ever should forgive me. My parents have never found out, and I think the guy probably moved on with life never thinking about the life we ended.

I have now heard he has 3 kids by 2 different women and on his 3rd marriage. Whew saved myself for that crap and realize he never would have changed. We are "friends" on Facebook, again bc I never hold a grudge and I have worked thru some of my issues. I now have a 2 yr old son, but my husband had to help me make this decision and support me. He knows the truth.