Ex-bfs

I have obsessed about failed relationships and what went wrong and "what if". I was in an emotionally abusive relationship that I kept going back and forth with him for 9 years. He would cheat & I would leave, then they would end and I was back for sex. We had an AWESOME sex life that I have never had with anyone before or since. We were a perfect match sexually, but man did he cheat and put me down in the real time.
We have both married now, we moved away from each other and now both have babies. I am happy for him, and finally he ended up with a girl I didn't know. I do believe that I would never be able to truly end things with him if we lived near each other. Now he may have finally grown up and would say no, but really I just want the good parts back. I have a terrible sex life now with my husband, and that is the last one I will have. Dang it. He is on my Facebook page as a friend for 2 reasons: 1 he plays the same games, 2 I can't let it go.
I dated my first long term relationship at start of college, got engaged, but he was an ASS to me and cheated terrible. He gave me STD from cheating, then played dumb about it, ran me thru the emotional angry rollercoaster. I finally decided I couldn't stay and called the wedding off 1 month before the day. He is now on my Facebook page and on his 3rd marriage and kids with a couple of them. I know that I really missed the bullet on this one, but still think "what if" when we chat.
I have a friendship with a handsome guy that I met on Yahoo about 7 years ago. I was the cougar and he was the hot young, muscular, smart guy. I wanted to stay with him for years. Sex was good, but I was intimidated by his looks, confidence, yet he never said or did anything to make me feel that way. We still stay in touch, but the way I left him was my choice, but a huge hard decision. He is a sex god kinda, and will do or try anything. We text each other and again we moved away from each other. I know I would cheat with him, bc sex is so bad now and he would Never Tell on me. He always has "side shows" and we flirt sexually thru text. He is awesome but just came around again after I was married. I think about two guys constantly and have them as friends so I can know their lives and who they know or what they do. It is a real problem, and I am sure bc my marriage is not what I hoped for or expected.

Dr Psych office

I was running low on meds and had missed my appointment. I changed my phone number and I don't remember things very well. That cost me $60. I called the office on a Wednesday for medicine and Karen asked me if I could come in that day. I had a terrible migraine and out of meds, so said no. No medication was called in. Then Thursday I make another appointment for the following Wed. She says she will call in meds and I am basically out.
Lamictol is a serious drug to not mess with, and here I get no meds called for the weekend and I'm out. No xanex like I'm supposed to take it, immediate stop on Lamictol, running low on Zoloft. I fill a different strength of Lamictol and alter the dose to get me by on Sunday. Xanex was just gone and I was involuntarily pissy the whole weekend. The quick drop in meds made me have no tolerance. I warned my husband in case I was snappy. Monday I call and the stupid phone person says, "Oh I will call you in enough to get you til Wed." Hell Mo Fo No she didn't. I went to appt on Wed with barely any meds, just Seroquel basically. I told the Dr and he apologized and said he would talk to them about it.
After my appointment I am not supposed to see him for 4 weeks. When I run out of meds I will call (yeah that sounds great) for more for my appt. I go to my counselor appt and I am having real serious panicky anxious feelings, which is different than my normal depression. At the desk I ask them to leave a message for my psych about my Xanex. I don't want to change it up without "permission" bc can't fill it too soon. I explain the main idea, and the damn girl says "Call the medicine line." I asked her if she wants me to leave, go home, call the office and tell them? So I made an appt to see him in person to complain AGAIN about them, and get my medicine fixed. The day before I decided I was too upset & called the office. Left a message saying forget the appt, I don't have the patience to deal with the office and I will just figure it out myself. WOW then the stupid "nurse" or whatever calls and says you can take an extra in am. Not what I frickin wanted, if you would have listened to me. I LOVE my psych and he has helped me more than any in the last 6 years. BUT I so hate the office and the women make my skin crawl. Every time I go in I have to pay. No waiting for the bill to come or paying the actual billing department/company. That annoys me bc I am so broke that I don't always have money every few days between appts.
Just felt like I needed to release my frustration and put it in print to get over it.

Upped my medicine

The psych upped my Zoloft from 100mg in am to 200mg in am. I am feeling light headed, pulled down by gravity, and overall off. Tired but not sleepy and I didn't want to do any of the fun things I could do today.

I'm so unmotivated it is on my beginning list at counselors. I started entering my family data on Ancestry.com last night. I could still lay in bed but accomplish something I really wanted to do. But my husband and dad lost the package that came from my dad's aunt that had that side of the family info.

I feel annoyed but no real reason. I was off the Lamictol for several days in a row and now I see that I was affected by being off those things. I will stay on Zoloft and hope that I get adjusted by next week.

Frustrated with office

I had quite a bit of problems with doctors since last Friday. Me first: I was running low on my meds and needed to make an appointment and pick up meds til then. I called Wed, Thurs and Mon and the nurse never did it. I take Lamictol and it is a serious drug that shouldn't be messed with. So I went without from Friday til Sunday and man was my mood crappy. I felt so irritated for no reason. I was like stirring inside to just yell at someone. On Sunday I filled a different strength from a different doctor just so I could have it. Monday was the day they said they would give me enough Xanex and Lamictol to get me to Wed appt. Yep never called that in. So I was off Xanex for days and I take 4 0.5 a day. That is a big loss. I nicely told my psychiatrist and he was going to check in on it for me and said it wouldn't happen again.

I told him that I was not so depressed and not thinking about dying, but not motivated to get up, take a shower or go out to lunch. I care for my baby, play with him and he loves to go out with my parents for errands. Otherwise I just watch TV and stay home. It saves money but does nothing for my fat problem. I am not exercising bc just don't feel like dressing and driving to gym, and walking seems boring and too much alone brain time when walking the neighborhood.

Then my child has chronic diarrhea for 6 weeks and I can't get anyone to help me and answer my questions. I finally went to ER on Wed just for a real opinion. Our pediatrician's nurse did all the "help" over the phone and said no Rx was available. Well, the ER gave him a Rx and it helped some in the first night. I am mad that I can't help my child bc I don't know who to go to. We are not from here, so guessing who is good is hard to do. We ate a IHOP on Thurs, and the waittress gave us 2 suggestions. Monday I will call and see how soon he can get in to them. I'm done with the other one.

FRUSTRATING Time right now.

Why not writing

I haven't been on here for a few reasons. First, my husband and I have to share a laptop with my dad since ours broke and we are BROKE! I have a Nook, but it won't let me post on Google blog. It is frustrating. Second, I have been reading books and watching shows on Hulu Plus bc I'm just not motivated to do much.

I wanted to go exercising bc I'm fat, BUT I just never get dressed and go. It is so hard to change my habits since I got such bad depression. I am doing so much better mentally, but not motivationally. I don't feel like writing about my past life right now, bc really it is so sad and I may be doing better. I will write again tho, so stay tuned. I did go to the psych and got my meds finalized, and found out my blood work came out fine, except some vitamin issues. We also went to marriage counseling but this time it wasn't very productive, but my marriage is so much better.

My baby has had diarrhea now almost a month and the doctor is stumped. It is gross and smelly to change him, but I feel bad for him. I am monitoring what he eats, using diaper cream, and he is in good spirits. If one week then we are seeing a gasterologist for more answers. He also has a terrible reaction to mosquito bites. The area swells a lot, lasts for about 3 days, so we have creams to apply. Dr said Deep Woods Off is ok for his young age.

I started taking care of elderly neighbor and I like it. He is nice, and eats what I give him. I realize how little his children did for him. A disgusting toothbrush, dirty old sheets, terrible condition pillows, and they had problems with him eating but I don't. They just didn't put stuff near him. I can't get him to change clothes tho. He is 94, his teeth, no medication, just hard of hearing. It gives me a reason to see someone outside the home. I do some things, but basically just play and care for my child and lay in bed. Maybe this summer I can get it together. My husband leaves me for summer with the Army.

I did it and cut 11 inches off

I thought about the hair cut for 4 days and decided to do it. I felt that was a reasonable amount of time to not do something manic. I was so nervous and almost nauseous while I wait the few minutes. It turned out good and I was the one that told her to keep cutting. Unfortunately, I feel more like a mom with short hair. I'm 40 and it seems most of us at this age and up go for shorter hair. But now the baby won't get all wrapped up in long gangly hair.

I'm happy. I am going to fix my bills, weight problem, marriage issues, raise my great baby, start my new part time job and it all starts with a drastic hair cut to get me motivated.

Teen relationship gone wrong

When I was in high school, I hung out with a tight group of guys. I was the only girl (sports car helped) and even tho they were all sluts, I was protected from all that. They never did drugs around me, and I was really clueless about things around me. I made great grades, they didn't, they got kicked out of their homes, I never did, etc...So when I started college I had not dated many people. After being gone a few months (dated a college guy part time) I realized that I really wanted to be with *J*. I came home for my bday and we made it official.

Now I knew up front he had been one of the sluts, BUT he convinced me that he would commit to our relationship even if I was in a different state. I had easy access to come home, and 1 day him and my best guy friend, skipped school and drove hours to come surprise me. He comes the drastic part.

I had said previously that I had decided to wait til marriage to have sex, but his pressure was tough. One day we were home alone, back in the home town and really I said no, but he "convinced" me to just give in. He had sex with me, and afterwards I was devastated. He went to take a shower and I went to the basement to call a friend crying over what just happened. It never got better than that. I never got to say no, bc he would take it anyway, but in a I love You kinda way, not forceful. I would talk to God thru the whole sex act about how sorry I was, but I wanted to keep him and this was the only way. Needless to say, the first year of sex for me was terrible, and never even had an orgasm or fun.

My Freshman year I was in the dorm, and some how he came to visit and I got crabs (really an STD?). He told me it came from his towel on the guy's bathroom. I told the Resident monitor bc I really believed him. Somehow getting cured was difficult bc it kept hanging around, but so did the side show slut he was fucking back home. Damn I was NAIVE. He never admitted to giving us the STD, but I drove home and flipped out when our best girl friend admitted to me he was seeing some Jenny on the side. I made him drive me to her home (I knew her and she knew us) and he said no. I said you do it or I will. I knocked on her door, confronted her about sleeping with him, and with tears in her eyes said no that was a lie. They both covered for each other. I blew it off bc I was so dumb.

By Sophomore year of college for me, he was in high school til 20. He skipped school all the time and so they wouldn't pass him in classes. This will be important later. On Valentine's Day he came to spend time at my apartment at college. I had finally fell in love with him, where sex was just part of our relationship and I enjoyed being together. Then God Got Me. We had sex those few days and then he left to go back home. Well I ended up pregnant and couldn't handle it. He said get an abortion, my parents always told me, "Whatever you do, don't get pregnant, it will ruin your life." My overly religious grandparents would freak out and he wouldn't help or even had money to pay child support. I decided to have an abortion against everything in my being. I think I was throwing up with the knowledge I had to do it, more than just being pregnant.

The appointment came back near home town and *J* didn't even go along. He had excuse that he couldn't miss anymore classes, but yet that never worried him before. My best guy friend knew the truth and went with me, to drive afterwards. I will discuss that actual abortion issues later. After I came home that day (8am-1pm for procedure and waiting), *J* was "so" sorry. I had to wait several weeks to heal before sex. Can you believe he tried encouraging me to do it early. He was a bastard but I thought I had to marry the person I had sex with. Now remember I am a sheltered, naive, book smart 19 yr old, so I felt trapped.

Now we are going on 3 years together, but secretly I hate him inside for the choice I had to make. While I'm at college, he joins the Navy with no discussion together. I felt betrayed again bc I thought we were a unit. He goes to Basic and I write him and he talks about how much he loves me and proposes to marry. I said yes, but my parents (not knowing the truth) said at 20 I was too young. I heard rumors of how many women he had on the side and I do believe he became faithful after Basic Training but WAY TOO LATE! A month before the wedding I backed out. I realized I could never trust him, I hated him, he made me ruin my life, he wasn't there for me except for his own benefit. He was devastated to hear this, and begged for us to get back together.

The final straw:
Admit all the women you had and we can forgive and move on. Nope claimed completely innocent
When he came in town I made him sleep in downstairs bedroom and no sex. In the middle of the night he snuck upstairs and came in my bedroom (next to parents room bc home on break) and he tries to have sex with me while sleeping. That was IT. You fucking bastard, I felt date raped throughout our whole relationship and finally Got a Clue! This relationship changed me forever and made me hate myself for a decade. I didn't even want children bc if I didn't have the first one then I don't deserve one later. I had abortion at 19 and I didn't get over it until about age 35. I knew God would forgive me, but didn't feel like him or anyone else ever should forgive me. My parents have never found out, and I think the guy probably moved on with life never thinking about the life we ended.

I have now heard he has 3 kids by 2 different women and on his 3rd marriage. Whew saved myself for that crap and realize he never would have changed. We are "friends" on Facebook, again bc I never hold a grudge and I have worked thru some of my issues. I now have a 2 yr old son, but my husband had to help me make this decision and support me. He knows the truth.