Upped my medicine

The psych upped my Zoloft from 100mg in am to 200mg in am. I am feeling light headed, pulled down by gravity, and overall off. Tired but not sleepy and I didn't want to do any of the fun things I could do today.

I'm so unmotivated it is on my beginning list at counselors. I started entering my family data on Ancestry.com last night. I could still lay in bed but accomplish something I really wanted to do. But my husband and dad lost the package that came from my dad's aunt that had that side of the family info.

I feel annoyed but no real reason. I was off the Lamictol for several days in a row and now I see that I was affected by being off those things. I will stay on Zoloft and hope that I get adjusted by next week.

Frustrated with office

I had quite a bit of problems with doctors since last Friday. Me first: I was running low on my meds and needed to make an appointment and pick up meds til then. I called Wed, Thurs and Mon and the nurse never did it. I take Lamictol and it is a serious drug that shouldn't be messed with. So I went without from Friday til Sunday and man was my mood crappy. I felt so irritated for no reason. I was like stirring inside to just yell at someone. On Sunday I filled a different strength from a different doctor just so I could have it. Monday was the day they said they would give me enough Xanex and Lamictol to get me to Wed appt. Yep never called that in. So I was off Xanex for days and I take 4 0.5 a day. That is a big loss. I nicely told my psychiatrist and he was going to check in on it for me and said it wouldn't happen again.

I told him that I was not so depressed and not thinking about dying, but not motivated to get up, take a shower or go out to lunch. I care for my baby, play with him and he loves to go out with my parents for errands. Otherwise I just watch TV and stay home. It saves money but does nothing for my fat problem. I am not exercising bc just don't feel like dressing and driving to gym, and walking seems boring and too much alone brain time when walking the neighborhood.

Then my child has chronic diarrhea for 6 weeks and I can't get anyone to help me and answer my questions. I finally went to ER on Wed just for a real opinion. Our pediatrician's nurse did all the "help" over the phone and said no Rx was available. Well, the ER gave him a Rx and it helped some in the first night. I am mad that I can't help my child bc I don't know who to go to. We are not from here, so guessing who is good is hard to do. We ate a IHOP on Thurs, and the waittress gave us 2 suggestions. Monday I will call and see how soon he can get in to them. I'm done with the other one.

FRUSTRATING Time right now.

Why not writing

I haven't been on here for a few reasons. First, my husband and I have to share a laptop with my dad since ours broke and we are BROKE! I have a Nook, but it won't let me post on Google blog. It is frustrating. Second, I have been reading books and watching shows on Hulu Plus bc I'm just not motivated to do much.

I wanted to go exercising bc I'm fat, BUT I just never get dressed and go. It is so hard to change my habits since I got such bad depression. I am doing so much better mentally, but not motivationally. I don't feel like writing about my past life right now, bc really it is so sad and I may be doing better. I will write again tho, so stay tuned. I did go to the psych and got my meds finalized, and found out my blood work came out fine, except some vitamin issues. We also went to marriage counseling but this time it wasn't very productive, but my marriage is so much better.

My baby has had diarrhea now almost a month and the doctor is stumped. It is gross and smelly to change him, but I feel bad for him. I am monitoring what he eats, using diaper cream, and he is in good spirits. If one week then we are seeing a gasterologist for more answers. He also has a terrible reaction to mosquito bites. The area swells a lot, lasts for about 3 days, so we have creams to apply. Dr said Deep Woods Off is ok for his young age.

I started taking care of elderly neighbor and I like it. He is nice, and eats what I give him. I realize how little his children did for him. A disgusting toothbrush, dirty old sheets, terrible condition pillows, and they had problems with him eating but I don't. They just didn't put stuff near him. I can't get him to change clothes tho. He is 94, his teeth, no medication, just hard of hearing. It gives me a reason to see someone outside the home. I do some things, but basically just play and care for my child and lay in bed. Maybe this summer I can get it together. My husband leaves me for summer with the Army.

I did it and cut 11 inches off

I thought about the hair cut for 4 days and decided to do it. I felt that was a reasonable amount of time to not do something manic. I was so nervous and almost nauseous while I wait the few minutes. It turned out good and I was the one that told her to keep cutting. Unfortunately, I feel more like a mom with short hair. I'm 40 and it seems most of us at this age and up go for shorter hair. But now the baby won't get all wrapped up in long gangly hair.

I'm happy. I am going to fix my bills, weight problem, marriage issues, raise my great baby, start my new part time job and it all starts with a drastic hair cut to get me motivated.

Teen relationship gone wrong

When I was in high school, I hung out with a tight group of guys. I was the only girl (sports car helped) and even tho they were all sluts, I was protected from all that. They never did drugs around me, and I was really clueless about things around me. I made great grades, they didn't, they got kicked out of their homes, I never did, etc...So when I started college I had not dated many people. After being gone a few months (dated a college guy part time) I realized that I really wanted to be with *J*. I came home for my bday and we made it official.

Now I knew up front he had been one of the sluts, BUT he convinced me that he would commit to our relationship even if I was in a different state. I had easy access to come home, and 1 day him and my best guy friend, skipped school and drove hours to come surprise me. He comes the drastic part.

I had said previously that I had decided to wait til marriage to have sex, but his pressure was tough. One day we were home alone, back in the home town and really I said no, but he "convinced" me to just give in. He had sex with me, and afterwards I was devastated. He went to take a shower and I went to the basement to call a friend crying over what just happened. It never got better than that. I never got to say no, bc he would take it anyway, but in a I love You kinda way, not forceful. I would talk to God thru the whole sex act about how sorry I was, but I wanted to keep him and this was the only way. Needless to say, the first year of sex for me was terrible, and never even had an orgasm or fun.

My Freshman year I was in the dorm, and some how he came to visit and I got crabs (really an STD?). He told me it came from his towel on the guy's bathroom. I told the Resident monitor bc I really believed him. Somehow getting cured was difficult bc it kept hanging around, but so did the side show slut he was fucking back home. Damn I was NAIVE. He never admitted to giving us the STD, but I drove home and flipped out when our best girl friend admitted to me he was seeing some Jenny on the side. I made him drive me to her home (I knew her and she knew us) and he said no. I said you do it or I will. I knocked on her door, confronted her about sleeping with him, and with tears in her eyes said no that was a lie. They both covered for each other. I blew it off bc I was so dumb.

By Sophomore year of college for me, he was in high school til 20. He skipped school all the time and so they wouldn't pass him in classes. This will be important later. On Valentine's Day he came to spend time at my apartment at college. I had finally fell in love with him, where sex was just part of our relationship and I enjoyed being together. Then God Got Me. We had sex those few days and then he left to go back home. Well I ended up pregnant and couldn't handle it. He said get an abortion, my parents always told me, "Whatever you do, don't get pregnant, it will ruin your life." My overly religious grandparents would freak out and he wouldn't help or even had money to pay child support. I decided to have an abortion against everything in my being. I think I was throwing up with the knowledge I had to do it, more than just being pregnant.

The appointment came back near home town and *J* didn't even go along. He had excuse that he couldn't miss anymore classes, but yet that never worried him before. My best guy friend knew the truth and went with me, to drive afterwards. I will discuss that actual abortion issues later. After I came home that day (8am-1pm for procedure and waiting), *J* was "so" sorry. I had to wait several weeks to heal before sex. Can you believe he tried encouraging me to do it early. He was a bastard but I thought I had to marry the person I had sex with. Now remember I am a sheltered, naive, book smart 19 yr old, so I felt trapped.

Now we are going on 3 years together, but secretly I hate him inside for the choice I had to make. While I'm at college, he joins the Navy with no discussion together. I felt betrayed again bc I thought we were a unit. He goes to Basic and I write him and he talks about how much he loves me and proposes to marry. I said yes, but my parents (not knowing the truth) said at 20 I was too young. I heard rumors of how many women he had on the side and I do believe he became faithful after Basic Training but WAY TOO LATE! A month before the wedding I backed out. I realized I could never trust him, I hated him, he made me ruin my life, he wasn't there for me except for his own benefit. He was devastated to hear this, and begged for us to get back together.

The final straw:
Admit all the women you had and we can forgive and move on. Nope claimed completely innocent
When he came in town I made him sleep in downstairs bedroom and no sex. In the middle of the night he snuck upstairs and came in my bedroom (next to parents room bc home on break) and he tries to have sex with me while sleeping. That was IT. You fucking bastard, I felt date raped throughout our whole relationship and finally Got a Clue! This relationship changed me forever and made me hate myself for a decade. I didn't even want children bc if I didn't have the first one then I don't deserve one later. I had abortion at 19 and I didn't get over it until about age 35. I knew God would forgive me, but didn't feel like him or anyone else ever should forgive me. My parents have never found out, and I think the guy probably moved on with life never thinking about the life we ended.

I have now heard he has 3 kids by 2 different women and on his 3rd marriage. Whew saved myself for that crap and realize he never would have changed. We are "friends" on Facebook, again bc I never hold a grudge and I have worked thru some of my issues. I now have a 2 yr old son, but my husband had to help me make this decision and support me. He knows the truth.

Irrational

I have been thinking of getting a crazy different haircut than my normal. I have always had long hair (between bra strap and butt), so thinking of short hair would be drastic. I put my hair in a ponytail most of the time bc long gets in the way and my child can accidentally pull it. Once you cut it, you can't go back. I do realize that this is probably an irrational bipolar thought.

I went once to get a trim, from butt up to just below my shoulders. That was the PLAN, and told it to new hairdresser. WELL, she got scissor crazy and cut it to the bottom of my neck. It was so short it would be held in a hairband. I flipped out. Crying, hysterical, what now? so I drove to the mall, and bought a fake ponytail immediately in my own hair color and wore it daily for a long time until my hair could recoup. That has made me scared to ever cut it again. Not only short, but dyed weird and ugly cut. On a good note, for my wedding I wore the ponytail and it was beautiful with my hair flower comb. The wig section is beautiful and at least made the tears stop.

Torn mostly because how do you find a hairdresser to trust? Not like I can ask a celebrity in my smaller town and pay hundreds of dollars to look like a star. I don't know the real talent to the person with scissors. I need to wait a week and see if I still feel this way.

Let's start with relationships

I had a little guy who walked me down the hall in 1st grade because my mom taught 4th and he would stop by her room and escort me to our classroom down the hallway, aww cute. Then I actually "dated" the same guy (which meant meeting at the roller rink every other Sat night) from 5th grade to 9th grade. Then things went terribly bad and just got worse. This girl who was supposedly my best friend in 9th grade, actually just wanted my bf. I found out that she was sneaking behind my back and sent rumors about me around. I never had sex, bc I always thought I would wait til marriage. Things got UGLY and threatening and made my Freshman year very depressing. I was sneaking wine coolers after school, thinking that my dad was always happy drunk, but drinking one doesn't do it, and didn't want them noticing. I was on the basketball team Freshman year, made great grades, but hated every day at school, and felt like I had no friends. She turned them all against me.

By Senior year, they were still together and I was on revenge. I will tell you I made her last year miserable and felt good about it. He had said (supposedly) such terrible things about me. I ignored him, even altered things online as I got older so he couldn't find me. One time he did email me, and I blocked him for fear of what he would say. Finally a few years ago, he wrote me on Facebook apologizing for all of it. We are now in our late 30's, and he says he always felt bad about what went down. WEIRD, but you will learn thru my posts that I never hold a grudge (except this cheating bitch from high school). I talked to his wife (not her of course) and really like her. I now have them on my Facebook page, chat with them, and feel such relief over things coming to peace even 20 years later. By the way, his wife hates this other girl too, so we can bash her together.

This is the part where I started to be so depressed that crying just happened any time I was alone. I kept it from my parents, put all of myself in my classes. I took Spanish, French and German from 6th grade to 12th grade, and continued Spanish and French in college. My next post will be about my worst relationship that scarred me for life, and had me do things I never imagined. But yep, I have forgave him and he is on my Facebook page. Check back tomorrow for the story.

Am I "cured"?

I have been upped on all my meds since deep depression was for quite a long time starting at the new year. I have a new psych and I like him. He takes me serious, knows what he is talking about, and you are in and out in like 15 min (but probably charged for an hour).

He tried Abilify and sent me into mania, so then he had to fix that. Now I realize I haven't thought about suicide in at least a month, I don't stay in bed as often, more motivated and less Xanax needed. I never get my hopes up about treatment bc it usually stops and changes within 6 months. I am going to lower one med back to previous dosing. What if it sets me back, yet it makes me so tired til noon bc of side effects.

I guess I will just enjoy my time for as long as it lasts. Have you had up and down thru your disease? Mine can change in a week or two last a few days and on to some other emotion. Been this way for so many years that it is frustrating.