It started as early as 10 that I remember. I was so stressed and depressed that I ended up with ulcers. I was so sick, but the doctor didn't believe me. I have now struggled my whole life with those. I learned to cry quietly in my bed so my parents wouldn't hear me. Partly from feeling so sick, part scared of dark and just overall sad about life. At 17, I saw my first psychiatrist. I knew I was becoming suicidal, so I asked my ulcer doctor if he would tell my parents it was his idea that I go to counseling because of my long term illness. My parents agreed, but begrudgedly. They didn't think I needed it.
When the psych asked me how I would kill myself, I said overdose on pills and just die. So on my 3rd visit she prescribes medication (I have forgot which one by now) and said the following: "Now these can cause your heart to stop if you take too many, so give them to your parents and they can give you your dose each day." WELL, that was a stupid idea. Was she just testing me? Serious and clueless if I would just die? I can't figure out her strategy. BUT I went home my dad and said he needed to hold on to my pills. His answer: "Don't you know how to take them? Then just do it yourself". I flushed them down the toilet and never saw her again.
My next Bipolar help came around age 25. I went to see a counselor on my own, and got referred to a psych. Now let me tell you I have seen probably 25 different people since then and now 40. Mostly from problems with them, either medication pushers, closing business, no appointments available, or me moving around. Anyway, this is the most frustrating part. I will post the list of all the psych meds I have tried, but honestly Seroquel has been my best friend. I wanted to get my life started and then post each week about the next part of my life and what happens next. My broken relationships were a big part of my suicide obsession. I believe I have only been unsuicidal between 2008-and early 2009. It is tiring to always want to die but know that I won't do it. The punishment by God in my head is not worth ending this short life on Earth.
Future topics:
Just like diabetes?
Cheating/STDs
Abortion
Date Rape
9 yr emotional abusive relationship
admit psych hospital
Iraq war of spouse
Medications that don't work
You are a good writer. I'm going back through your posts, I see you just started. You will help lots of people by sharing this. Thanks.
ReplyDelete