While in the psych hospital, I saw a couple women go thru this procedure. They were really far gone with this suicide thing and kept attempting it. In my view, honestly, just let them die and end the suffering. Why is suicide against the law? It should be a personal choice, I own my own body. Anyway, back to treatment.
The women would leave in the morning and be gone for a bit. Then a nurse would escort them into our social room and seat them down at the table. She would have to be fed by the nurse and was out there somewhere. I was told that whatever I told her that day, she wouldn't remember the next day. They literally made her a temporary zombie. I know it doesn't hurt, and the basis behind how it works, but the results only last a couple of days and then they went back for more treatment. No way was I ever getting that done. The women seemed to be ok with the treatment and I guess they thought it worked.
When I got pregnant my husband and I went to my military psych (who was awesome but temporary bc of moving) and he said to hubby, that the only safe treatment for pregnant women is this electroshock therapy. It doesn't do anything to the fetus and if I became too suicidal he would need to make the decision for me. I begged him to never do it. Just check me in to a hospital and leave me til the baby is born. He agreed. Fortunately, my pregnancy went great as for my mental state (except for shitty husband at the time) and went until week 23 without any psych meds. I was also off meds for 6 months before getting pregnant. I learned tho that I will need meds for the rest of my life. What a personal disappointment for me.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Starting the psych experience
At 25 I knew I couldn't live hating life and wanting to die all the time. The first 2 or 3 psychs said I was depressed but the meds didn't work. Duh because I was bipolar and meds are different. 1 psych saw me every 2 weeks and either started a new drug or upped the dose on one of them. I was a medicine mess so dropped him after about 2 months.I liked the next psych but then after a year she closed her practice. Great...next. Then I skipped the psych for awhile and went to a counselor. At that one, I learned what EMDR is. We tried it for my PTSD from date rapes. It is a light bar with little lights that go across. The office lights are turned off and then you sit in complete silence. The counselor asks you to think of a bad thing and you stare at the lights for 5 min I think (forgot time limit). Well it didn't work at all. I really liked her, but then she had surgery and never came back to be my counselor. Great...next.
Then I found a clinic for sex abuse and women's issues. Men not allowed. The pay was based on your income level, which has always been low. The counselor would never focus on the rapes, men issues, fear of sex, etc. She was always worried about my suicidal issues and my mood. Ok lady I can handle that, especially if you fix these parts. I was unhappy seeing her, but I liked the groups they had. There were art workshops to express feelings, and just things to do and paper to fill out with a leader that all based on your emotions. I stayed for over a year and then ditched, bc the money I was paying was not worth it, bc my sex issues were not being dealt with.
I am not 30 yet, so just floating around to different places, but then just before my 30th bday, I had no psych for several months, my refills had run out and the calls I made said, "he isn't taking new patients." "We can get you in next month." Damn no help out there when desperate. So at 30 it was hospital check in. I was seriously considering driving down the highway that very late night and taking off seat belt, have my DNR license on the seat and crash at high speed. I had a relationship at the time, and he encouraged me to go to the hosp. I told my grandpa (who I was living with for assistance) that I was taking a trip to Boston with a friend. I eventually told my parents the truth from psych ward phone, and admitted myself. I got a room, took my shoes, but I could wear my own clothes bc not a real threat to cutting myself or over the top. This was on a Sunday. I didn't get to see a psych til Tues, so we all sit around, talk about our issues and color. I had my bf bring us markers and crayons to use. I learned what electro shock therapy is these days and still scary. On Tuesday, the Dr says here some meds and you can just go home. WHAT THE FUCK?? I was pissed, I had brought myself to check in for help and meds don't even get to work and I'm out. I was talking to people like me, having group therapy, away from the stresses of my life...please don't make me leave. So I got to stay til Wed afternoon and then out the door. I told myself I will never check myself in again.
Then I found a clinic for sex abuse and women's issues. Men not allowed. The pay was based on your income level, which has always been low. The counselor would never focus on the rapes, men issues, fear of sex, etc. She was always worried about my suicidal issues and my mood. Ok lady I can handle that, especially if you fix these parts. I was unhappy seeing her, but I liked the groups they had. There were art workshops to express feelings, and just things to do and paper to fill out with a leader that all based on your emotions. I stayed for over a year and then ditched, bc the money I was paying was not worth it, bc my sex issues were not being dealt with.
I am not 30 yet, so just floating around to different places, but then just before my 30th bday, I had no psych for several months, my refills had run out and the calls I made said, "he isn't taking new patients." "We can get you in next month." Damn no help out there when desperate. So at 30 it was hospital check in. I was seriously considering driving down the highway that very late night and taking off seat belt, have my DNR license on the seat and crash at high speed. I had a relationship at the time, and he encouraged me to go to the hosp. I told my grandpa (who I was living with for assistance) that I was taking a trip to Boston with a friend. I eventually told my parents the truth from psych ward phone, and admitted myself. I got a room, took my shoes, but I could wear my own clothes bc not a real threat to cutting myself or over the top. This was on a Sunday. I didn't get to see a psych til Tues, so we all sit around, talk about our issues and color. I had my bf bring us markers and crayons to use. I learned what electro shock therapy is these days and still scary. On Tuesday, the Dr says here some meds and you can just go home. WHAT THE FUCK?? I was pissed, I had brought myself to check in for help and meds don't even get to work and I'm out. I was talking to people like me, having group therapy, away from the stresses of my life...please don't make me leave. So I got to stay til Wed afternoon and then out the door. I told myself I will never check myself in again.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Medication list
These are almost all the medications I have tried for depression, mania and bipolar after diagnosed. Abilify-mania
Remeron-mania
Depakote-severe weight gain
Lithium-hypothyroidism
Wellbutrin-tinnitus, shakes
Risperdal-only took for college concentration
Didn't work:
Zyprexa
Topamax
Paxil
Buspar
Cymbalta
Effexor
Neurontin
Lexapro
Ones that work:
Seroquel in large doses (600mg + per day)
Lamictol high doses (200mg + per day)
Xanex
Clonazepam (I choose not to take with my Xanex)
Zoloft (100mg per day)
Trying all these meds to find what doesn't work is stressful just in itself and very expensive. At one point I barely had insurance and Seroquel cost me $200 a month plus health insurance was $512 a month. I worked several part time jobs just to pay for my mental disorder, which drove me into further depression and debt.
What medications have you tried? Tell me if they work for you or not.
Remeron-mania
Depakote-severe weight gain
Lithium-hypothyroidism
Wellbutrin-tinnitus, shakes
Risperdal-only took for college concentration
Didn't work:
Zyprexa
Topamax
Paxil
Buspar
Cymbalta
Effexor
Neurontin
Lexapro
Ones that work:
Seroquel in large doses (600mg + per day)
Lamictol high doses (200mg + per day)
Xanex
Clonazepam (I choose not to take with my Xanex)
Zoloft (100mg per day)
Trying all these meds to find what doesn't work is stressful just in itself and very expensive. At one point I barely had insurance and Seroquel cost me $200 a month plus health insurance was $512 a month. I worked several part time jobs just to pay for my mental disorder, which drove me into further depression and debt.
The start of my problems
I'm using this website to vent about my mental illness without sharing too much with people I know.
It started as early as 10 that I remember. I was so stressed and depressed that I ended up with ulcers. I was so sick, but the doctor didn't believe me. I have now struggled my whole life with those. I learned to cry quietly in my bed so my parents wouldn't hear me. Partly from feeling so sick, part scared of dark and just overall sad about life. At 17, I saw my first psychiatrist. I knew I was becoming suicidal, so I asked my ulcer doctor if he would tell my parents it was his idea that I go to counseling because of my long term illness. My parents agreed, but begrudgedly. They didn't think I needed it.
When the psych asked me how I would kill myself, I said overdose on pills and just die. So on my 3rd visit she prescribes medication (I have forgot which one by now) and said the following: "Now these can cause your heart to stop if you take too many, so give them to your parents and they can give you your dose each day." WELL, that was a stupid idea. Was she just testing me? Serious and clueless if I would just die? I can't figure out her strategy. BUT I went home my dad and said he needed to hold on to my pills. His answer: "Don't you know how to take them? Then just do it yourself". I flushed them down the toilet and never saw her again.
My next Bipolar help came around age 25. I went to see a counselor on my own, and got referred to a psych. Now let me tell you I have seen probably 25 different people since then and now 40. Mostly from problems with them, either medication pushers, closing business, no appointments available, or me moving around. Anyway, this is the most frustrating part. I will post the list of all the psych meds I have tried, but honestly Seroquel has been my best friend. I wanted to get my life started and then post each week about the next part of my life and what happens next. My broken relationships were a big part of my suicide obsession. I believe I have only been unsuicidal between 2008-and early 2009. It is tiring to always want to die but know that I won't do it. The punishment by God in my head is not worth ending this short life on Earth.
Future topics:
Just like diabetes?
Cheating/STDs
Abortion
Date Rape
9 yr emotional abusive relationship
admit psych hospital
Iraq war of spouse
Medications that don't work
1 Mania episode gone wrong
It started as early as 10 that I remember. I was so stressed and depressed that I ended up with ulcers. I was so sick, but the doctor didn't believe me. I have now struggled my whole life with those. I learned to cry quietly in my bed so my parents wouldn't hear me. Partly from feeling so sick, part scared of dark and just overall sad about life. At 17, I saw my first psychiatrist. I knew I was becoming suicidal, so I asked my ulcer doctor if he would tell my parents it was his idea that I go to counseling because of my long term illness. My parents agreed, but begrudgedly. They didn't think I needed it.
When the psych asked me how I would kill myself, I said overdose on pills and just die. So on my 3rd visit she prescribes medication (I have forgot which one by now) and said the following: "Now these can cause your heart to stop if you take too many, so give them to your parents and they can give you your dose each day." WELL, that was a stupid idea. Was she just testing me? Serious and clueless if I would just die? I can't figure out her strategy. BUT I went home my dad and said he needed to hold on to my pills. His answer: "Don't you know how to take them? Then just do it yourself". I flushed them down the toilet and never saw her again.
My next Bipolar help came around age 25. I went to see a counselor on my own, and got referred to a psych. Now let me tell you I have seen probably 25 different people since then and now 40. Mostly from problems with them, either medication pushers, closing business, no appointments available, or me moving around. Anyway, this is the most frustrating part. I will post the list of all the psych meds I have tried, but honestly Seroquel has been my best friend. I wanted to get my life started and then post each week about the next part of my life and what happens next. My broken relationships were a big part of my suicide obsession. I believe I have only been unsuicidal between 2008-and early 2009. It is tiring to always want to die but know that I won't do it. The punishment by God in my head is not worth ending this short life on Earth.
Future topics:
Just like diabetes?
Cheating/STDs
Abortion
Date Rape
9 yr emotional abusive relationship
admit psych hospital
Iraq war of spouse
Medications that don't work
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